Waiting For Epic!

Trust me when I say, I will not settle, it's not that I'm picky...I just won't settle for less than EPIC love!  Now I'm sure you are probably thinking that's a very high standard, but my version of EPIC probably differs from yours.

I'm looking for my match, the one who compliments me, who can check me when I'm wrong, and lovingly tell/ give advice on what to do next, I am looking for a best friend, a confidant, the first person I wanna call when something great/or bad happens, one I can cry and laugh with, one who is willing to put up with all things me and I him.

To me that's EPIC love...I can't help but think about Stevie Wonders song as...and how much he loved the person he was singing to...this part in particular stands out to me:

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky--Loving you 

Until the ocean covers every mountain high--Loving you 

Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea--Loving you 

Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream--Be loving you 

Until the day is night and night becomes the day--Loving you 

Until the trees and seas up, up and fly away--Loving you 

Until the day that 8x8x8x8 is 4--Loving you 

Until the day that is the day that are no more--Loving you 

Until the day the earth starts turning right to left--Be loving you 

Until the earth just for the sun denies itself--Loving you 

Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through--Loving you 

Until the day that you are me and I am you-- 

Now ain't that loving you 

Now that seems ridiculous doesn't it, but that's what love makes you feel like...that all the preposterous things are possible...that you two are the only things besides God that exist.

I have to say, because of not settling and knowing when something is just not gonna work cause he and I are not on the same page, or  he comes with so much baggage it's hard to see what's under neath because he has hid that part from everyone...I am not trying to heal someone, I am not your mother, I am not your father and I am not your savior, I didn't do it, it's not your fault and I am not her!

I am your lover, your confidant, your cheerleader, your best friend, your biggest support, I am your equal, your match, your ride or die!  You will be mine...EPIC, I know your out there, and I pray to GOD that he prepares me to recognize you when you come...I am a bit out of practice on being someones girlfriend, but  if your him... I will let ya know that, and you can help me along as I will help you.

EPIC and I are partners, and share everything and we enjoy our friends while enjoying each other's company.  Right now you are a vision and your nick name is EPIC, but I look forward to the day when I can call you by your true name...the one your momma gave you :).  Can't wait to meet you, and if I already know you, can't wait to see how our love evolves!

How Can You Move Forward, If You Live In The Past!

I don't pretend to have the answers to everything, and I hope you all don't think I am trying to sound holier than though.  Cause please believe I am just learning all these things myself.  A wise person once told if you are living in your past how can you enjoy your future.

Even the bible says the future is sufficient for it's self, how can you be in the present, if your you constantly go back to your past.  Past love, past hurt, past fall out.  One of the fundamental things everyone one needs is forgiveness...you can't fully move forward if you can not forgive your past.  

This is not a new statement,  it is a true statement...and sometimes we need to be reminded over and over again before it finally sticks.  Let him go, let her go, if it was meant to be it would have been.   You can't fit a circle into a square and you can't make someone love and you can't CHANGE anyone.

Life is sooo short, and long at the same time...see one day you'll look up and it will be too late, you will realize that you have spent most of your days harping on or dealing with junk and stuff from your past, life has passed you on by.  You don't want that...you don't want to live like that do you?

Life is a series of test and checks and balances...if you can't learn from your mistakes you are doomed to repeat them...if you can't change your thinking you will continue to get what you get.  You don't have to live this way.  I think fear plays a big part in the decisions we make.  We are afraid if we step out and fail, then you knew that was going to happen you will never try again.  The whole point of walking in your fear is to challenge your self, and if you do fail you learn from your mistakes so you don't make the same one's again.

Ladies, that man is the same man just in different skin.  He is exactly that guy you used to see but with a different face.  The problem with that is the guy who is going to bless you isn't anything like that guy,  but you can't see it cause you are dealing with past man.  Fella's she's not her, she didn't do it...please stop using that first girl that hurt you to ruin other women,  you men can be very harsh, and play with our emotions like a harp, cause She did that to you.  We can't apologize for her, we can only do what we can do.

I'm not trying to sound preachy, and honestly I am probably preaching to the choir, and I need to hear all of this as well.  We have to allow ourselves to be completely happy, single or otherwise...your happiness is not based off someone else, and too half's don't make a whole,  two wholes make a movement.  Nothing is going to be perfect, but you don't have to be stressed out, or full of drama either.  Trust, God did not envision that for you.  You shouldn't envision it for yourself.

Thank You Sir! (A word of appreciation to all Men)

Okay so the title of the blog is not that complicated, but I do want to say thank you!   Thank you to the men who stand up and be men...to the ones who are great fathers...loving husbands, and fantastic friends, to both their male and female counter parts.

Thank you to those men who are male figures to those that have not had a strong male influence in their life.  Thank you to those men who appreciate, care for, love and protect their women...who despite what society says about US (black women) you know we have had past hurts, and  are still there to see us through.  Thank you for taking care of yourselves...realizing that you are also not perfect...taking care and removing some of your past hurts and not letting it affect your life as much as it probably could.

I believe it important to let your fella know how important you think he is, and how well he is doing no matter the circumstances, and we as women need to remember that they are not alone in this. We are a piece of their back bone and need to support them no matter what.  See you chose that man and in that you chose everything that came with him.  So how dare you not stand by him when he looses his job or if something that isn't in the plans occurs.  Relationships are HARD work, and I have never heard a couple say it wasn't.  So in all of that some of us come out spoiled, hurt, and decide to take it out on everyone after that person.

I commend the people male and female who don't!  Yes, things sometimes creep up, but recognizing it quickly and working through it together is the best way.  So again I say thank you...to those men who recognize things in them selves and their families, who work through the hard times and be there through the struggles.  To the men who are consistent, and surprise you at every turn.

If I could apologize to the men who are working on it, I would but unfortunately I am not the one who caused your pain, but she didn't know what she had when she had it...and when a REAL women recognizes it, try and love her past your hurt, or seek counseling, you don't have to live with that pain, and you may find you are stronger for getting it out!

I think one thing we all can say is true is that, life is not that complicated but people are and as we mature we realize things are not as hard as they seem, yes there are challenges but with the right support and love it helps make the difference in our achievements.  So again I say thank you, for doing the absolute best you can and for always striving to be a leader, a hard worker and a man of God/Spirituality, cause a head of a household needs someone other than their spouse to depend on sometimes.

Well I think I covered it, and if I didn't well forgive me...the appreciation could go on and on, so in closing I say THANK YOU xoxo!

The Fact is I Need you!

I don't think I have ever heard this song until now, okay I have heard it a million times, but I have never heard it.  As I listened to it...it was me...all of me...all of me and who and where I am right now.  I am not gonna say much more, cause the words speak for me,  I don't have a son, but if I did this would still ring sooo true!  Also, I added a video so you could truly understand.

I can pay my own light bill baby
Pump my own gas in my own car
I can buy my own shoe collection
I've been blessed thus far
I can kill the spider above my bed
Although it's hard because I'm scared
I can even stain and polyurethane
But some things just don't change
I need you yeah
Sometimes so hard to say oh
I need you
Some things remain
I could buy my own groceries baby
Get my hair tight, my nails right
I can floss my own bling bling
Write the words to the songs I sing
I can even raise the child we'll make
Make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But he needs you to help him be a man
We need you
So hard to say
We need you
Some things don't change
I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl
God what you've done to me
Kind of lover I could be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
We need you
We need you
And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you
I do, I do, I do, I do
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
We need you
We do
We need you yeah
We need you

I can pay my own light bill baby
Pump my own gas in my own car
I can buy my own shoe collection
I've been blessed thus far
I can kill the spider above my bed
Although it's hard because I'm scared
I can even stain and polyurethane
But some things just don't change
I need you yeah
Sometimes so hard to say oh
I need you
Some things remain
I could buy my own groceries baby
Get my hair tight, my nails right
I can floss my own bling bling
Write the words to the songs I sing
I can even raise the child we'll make
Make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But he needs you to help him be a man
We need you
So hard to say
We need you
Some things don't change
I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl
God what you've done to me
Kind of lover I could be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
We need you
We need you
And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you
I do, I do, I do, I do
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
We need you
We do
We need you yeah
We need you

Embrace Your Hoeness!

Let me explain, in this day and age where anything goes...it's time to stop being so offended by what people say and call a spade a spade...in this life there is always going to be a double standard if we like it or not.  And unfortunately for us, it is always the women who get the short of that stick...so I say why not embrace it.

The reason we watched so much Sex in the City, is because we saw a lil bit of ourselves in each woman and well my favorite I have to say was Samantha... and here's why..she didn't apologize about who she was, and sex was her main goal in life...sure she was an alpha female, and dedicated herself to getting exactly what she wanted, when she wanted and how she wanted... and some of you/us probably judged her for that.  Just because she didn't fall into the social archetype of needing to be in a relationship to be full filled in some way...there was no horrific back story as to why she is the way that she is...she wasn't molested, or seeking the love of  a father...no she was plain and simple a Hoe!  And the reason I say that is because when ever a women sleeps around she is branded as such and well we all know if a man did it he's just Da Man!

So I say embrace it...kind of like the blacks (LOL) did with the N word, or women did with the word Bitch (I would never address my friends as such but to each his own.)  I mean sistah's have to have something for themselves...so I will be the first, my name is Nikea and I am a hore...I, am not a feminist, I am a realist. I do what I want and I am proud of it...If I wanna have sex I do, if I want to be in a relationship I will...am I my own person? Absolutely, so if your passing judgement right now on this passage in this blog called sex in the city with no titties...well we can just assume you haven't evolved enough to embrace your Hoe yet...but let me say this... why live in shame, and doubt and fear about what you like and who you are...don't live in the Hoe, closet...come out and let your freak flag wave.

Now let's be clear, you can still be a lady and a hoe...sh*t there are plenty of classy hoe's,  I am not a slut or a tramp...I am merely embracing that in which has been so looked down upon, and in that I take refuge and power because nothing bad happened to me, I have no miserable back story that makes me act some sort of way...it just is, and you know what I am totally fine with that.

So a toast to the Hoes.....Cheers!

Feeling Like My Old Self Again!

Whooo, this has been an interesting few months...well i will say the past 8 months have been crazy.  My mother was hit by a car and I have become her care giver it has been a slow recovery process for her but, now that she is getting better and about ready to come home.  I have had the chance to re-focus on my needs as well.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in what's happening around us, that we just loose sight, and forget to check in on our selves.  Honestly since this incident there hasn't been a ton of sexin in my city...nor has there been any male connection in a while.

I have realized one thing through this whole thing, and that is,  always Do You, Take Care of You, and make sure you are okay.  Yes you have people who will check on you...who will come and help you, but no one can really help you make sense of things but you.  After stepping back and letting the smoke clear...you sometimes look around and think gosh now I am just left with me.  My needs, my want's, my desires...I have crossed hurdle after hurdle...and yet again it's just me.

In times of tragedy, it is easy to shut down, to just kind of let it pass and pray you get through it and honestly after all I and my mom have been through it is a blessing that we are even still standing (if you read this blog fully you will get the picture!).

It has not been easy by any means, but with a ton of faith, some therapy, and wonderful friends I was able to stay pretty present...and in this realize that the one thing I need is me!  So, I have been doing that, taking care of me...what ever I need I do, it's important...it's really not about a mate, that will come...it's not even about dating someone...it's about connection...the only way to connect with someone truly is if neither party is trying to find completion in the other.  I am not trying to have someone help me forget where I have been...that would just be pushing those feelings a side.

I guess i'm saying all this to say,  it's not the end of the world, I have been drug through the mud and I am still standing...standing tall and taking care...and if I may add looking damn good doing it...I feel better than I have felt in a really long time because well...I choose to...I chose me, and from now on that is non-negotiable.  

The Blah Times

I'm sure, no wait i'm positive i'm not the only one who feels like this every now and again you start to notice that certain aspects of your life are so vivid in it's wrongness that it makes you feel some sort of way.  The old what am I doing with my life stage, or is this really it?  I think we all have a certain expectation of a New Year...wanting it to start out with a bang...desiring for more...and well sometimes its just a slow sputter.  Can this feeling really be blamed on anything...are we doing 100 percent of what we need to do to make the new year start off how it should?

Most people spend most days looking forward to Friday and you realize your whole life has passed you by looking forward to the weekend and when it gets here do we ever live?  Or do we just take more time to do nothing?  I for example right now am feeling that way...I just came from and incredible trip in Trinidad...carnival...and some would say that I am just feeling blah because I am feeling Tabanka, which in Trini terms means (withdrawals), but I also have a certain expectation of my self...I got some disappointing news today...and I get bad news or no news all the time as an actor...but when you feel you did your very best and someone says well that's just not what we're looking for it hurts.

I should probably just shut up right...rejection is par for the course as an actor and I should know better than anyone to just let these things go...I can only do what I can do and hope for the best.  But hey I'm still human aren't I.  I don't really have any point nor am I looking for advice on how to feel better cause for the most part I am a positive person...but today just hit me kind of hard...and I am feeling a we bit Blah....so I thought I would right it down just to see if I could take a bit of the sting away...I mean this is my live journal isn't it...I guess the most important thing now is to allow my self to feel these feelings and then move on.  Cause tomorrow is a new day! Thanks for listening!

I Wanna Know What Love Is, I Want You To Show Me!

The old saying is there is someone for everyone...and you deserve to have someone love you the way you deserve...hmmm.

I mean I think I am a good woman, and I have a lot to offer a man...I am not so fiercely independent that I can't respect a man and his duties as a man...in fact I want that...I want the man to be a man...I am not dis-respectful...I am loving, affectionate...the list can go on and on...but I have never really been in love...baring young love, or puppy love...I have not experienced that divine love where you find your best mate...your soul the person you would take a bullet for...my bestie!

A friend said once she hasn't been in a relationship in so long she wonders if she would remember how to be...I thought about that...I haven't been in a relationship with possiblities since college and although there was feelings there...was there love?...I am not looking for Mr. Perfect, cause God knows there is no such thing...I have gotten past my daddy issues through therapy (keeping it real). After which I dated, and dated to see what it is that I would look for in a mate.  But more often than not I get (from men) your exactly what I need but or they are some how intimidated by me.

Listen, I'm just a girl who wants to be loved and wants to love...I am not the girl who has been planning a wedding since I was 5 and wants to get married or be with someone cause I need them to make me whole...I am looking for a match in every way possible...so that WE can be epic...so because of this I have spent time being alone...but hey at least I am not bringing my past relationships into the equation or trying to re-invent the last guy I was with, cause that's not fair.

I think I am writing this post because today is Valentines day...and the day when red balloon's and I love you's are flung to and fro!  But each day should and is Valentines day when you have some one to love...In the same way I love my Family and my Closest friends is the same way I want to love HIM who ever he is...so in the mean time I guess I will still be waiting and this will go to Gods ears and he will send someone to love me as God does!

Where Have I Been? You wouldn't Believe me!

Hey there, sorry I have been MIA lot's has gone on toward the end of 2011, some super high, highs....and some pretty low lows...but you always know what your made of when you can come out the other end.

Just so you know...my mother was in a horrible accident at the end of August she was a pedestrian and was hit by a car that was going about 40 miles per hour...so needless to say all of my attention was on that...and why I have been absent...she spent 2 months in ICU with a broken everything leg, arm, neck you name it...and made it out the other side...that's how good God is.  I realize that I spent a lot of this blog  concentrating on the things that I/we may be doing wrong...then I realized yet again life is too short to worry about those things.

God has a plan for everyone...and I realize more and more often that my life is not my own...and that God controls all of this...now I'm not trying to get in some debate about religion, or tell you how you should believe...I'm just telling you how Good he has been to me...how he has kept me in the midst of this storm...and countless others...We (my mom and I) have battled Cancer, and now her being hit by a car and surviving cancer all in the span of 1 year...this could make any person crumble...and it has been really tuff...but you never know what your made of until you are faced with it...and my reliance on God has kept me up and functioning through these days.

I am happy to say that my mom is a Miracle, a spectacular miracle...her will to live and and her faith has brought her back to us...not fully recovered...bones are still healing but no major damage that should cause her problems...I could list her injuries, but I think you can put it together...a 63 year old women hit on her lift side by an American made car going 40 miles per hour...God is good!

I am sharing this with you because although this blog is about finding true love...it's also about the knowledge of growing and loving oneself and all things that touch, make and mold us...Since I am not in charge of any of this...whoever I am going to love is going to have to love all facets of me as well.  This is a part of who I am it has not made me bitter but it allows me to see the bigger picture!