A Progress That's Working

Here is how I know, I am finally no longer a work in progress but a progress that's working.  I did work on myself.  Way before Iyanla came around and started fixing people's lives, but I knew I needed to fix mine. Something was definitely  a miss.  Not to beat a dead horse, but my 30's have been rocky at best, and how I got through is truly a victory through the grace of God.  

However, that kind of stuff changes you, inside and out.  The point is I wanted help and I got it.  I worked on being whole, opening up from past hurts, loving myself despite all that has happened.  Not punishing my self thinking how could God do this to me, and what did I do to deserve this.  What I learned is I am beautifully and wondrously made, and all things happen for a reason.

I asked for answer and I got them.  Not right away, and the SHIT and MUCK, and dirty low down stuff I had to go through to get through, was real in these streets, but I sit here with a smile on my face as I type this.  Because, I asked and HE answered and continues to answer.  With the help of a therapist, and THE WORD I was able to find myself again.  The new me, the me that I have always wanted to be.  The adult me, the I have put away childish things to live the life I am supposed to live me.  No more running from what I know I am capable of, but running toward my goals.  With a fresh new perspective  that no one can steal from me.  One of my favorite sayings is, "you can't steal my joy, cause you didn't give it to me."

Not only that, I met someone, and I met someone I really like.  I'm not jumping the gun, but this has been a long time coming, for the first time, in a while. I am not afraid of being hurt, I am totally 100 percent myself, and equally vulnerable, and I love it.  I'm open, I'm full.  This is awesome!  

So right now I wanna take this moment so send a little prayer up for each of you reading this blog, and a continued prayer for those who are close to me.  That you know that there is a purpose for your life, and that God will never leave you or forsake you.  You only have this life, so live it like it's your last.  Don't put off until tomorrow, what you could do today, because tomorrow is not promised.  I ask for a covering over each of you, that you can see clearly as to what it is your supposed to do in this life.  I pray for Wholeness, oneness, and team work, with what ever person you are dealing with, and knowing your OWN self worth.

A smile goes a long way! Remember it could always be worse :)!

GRATEFUL/FRIENDSHIPS

There are several reasons why I should be grateful.

I woke up this morning to see another day.

I have a job

I have food to eat

Clothes on my back

A God who love me regardless of the things I do or don't do.

A close loving family

But mostly I am grateful for having some of the best friends a person could imagine.  I always hear how good friends are hard to find, and how I can only be friends with men, and women are so messy.  It sometimes makes me wonder, well what kind of friend are you.  Good people love good people. 

I liken friendships to dating relationships, however, friendships can be way more intimate, because you generally confide all with that person.  Your friend is the one that knows the inner most, outer most of who you truly are.  A good friend is a safe place to be vulnerable.   In any relationship it's hard to let your guard down, and with any relationship, you have to blindly trust that you made the right decision, but if your intentions are pure, it's not hard to tell if someone else's are or not.

Granted there is a bit of trial and error.  There is a such thing as season, reason, lifetime. But, once you find your core group hang on to it.  Any and all relationships are work, and you have to fight to keep the good ones.

I just wanted to take this moment to thank them, for just knowing me, accepting me and loving me unconditionally.  As we continue to grow and mature, I pray that we continue to up lift, push, encourage, call each other on our BS. Laugh, create, cry and what ever else God has planned for us together.  

I also wanted to express my continual admiration, love and respect for the woman I have been blessed to know in this life.  For that I am truly grateful!

Love you guys!

It's The Little Things

It's the little things in life that should make us happy right?  When did we become so grand gesture hungry.

How come we have to win the 120 million in the lottery why can't we just be satisfied with the 7 mill.
Why do we need a 9 bedroom house why can't we just be satisfied with a 2 bedroom fixer upper.
Why do we need the hottest guy (bad boy) on the block, why can't we just be content with the man who loves us unconditionally.

We need to start appreciating the little things again.  Like the fact that we woke up this morning.  Your car started.  it could always be worse.  How many times you have made it through what ever storm there was.

I am reminded that life is too short to be angry and tense about the things that I can't control, the saying is true when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.  I realized, that there have been times I didn't know how I was going to pay my rent, or how I was going to get this and do that.  But it worked out, and I was lax in my great fullness.

I  understand that all GOD wants from us is to be grateful. Live decent lives and look to him alone for our peace.

So thank you, for the little things, the small gestures, the safe passage, the breath of life, the healing, the friends, the family, the love unconditional, the non judgement, the making a way out of no way, the understanding, for what you are about to do, and what you have already done.

Guess the little things are GRAND after all!

I Almost Wish I Was Flat Chested!

Again, I ask my self the question why would anyone opt to have surgery, cosmetic anyway.  Okay some surgeries can't be passed by, and some are life saving. But you are never 100% your self again...

Tiny aches and pains... things not fully functioning correctly.  People take a chance every time they go under the knife.. especially for cosmetic stuff in the hopes that it will turn out right and they will look flawless,  if it doesn't well forget trying to correct it... because there is no chance of that!  

Just like a car after it's new. Once maintenance is done,  there always seems to be some other problem...or it could just be human error who knows. Just because you have something done... doesn't mean you will come out good as new...in fact hardly ever... my Doctor said and I quote " After surgery things are not quite they same are they"...

Ha I guess not...and yet people still take chances anyway, on a gamble for perfection... I guess what I am trying to say is... unless you absolutely need it... and or it's a life saving surgery... don't take the risk... cause you are never 100% and you are never, ever as good as new!

Just asked my fused muscle that's attached to my (fake) boobie that when ever I touch it, my muscle contracts in to a ball and squeezes the shit out of it. The doctors also can't tell me why it's happening.  Damn implant!

Hind site is 20/20 and if I knew then what I know now, I would have made some vastly different decisions.  I haven't had a F this ish moment in a while, I guess today is just one of those days.  

Thanks for listening.

BITING THE BULLET (ONLINE DATING)

Okay so I'm doing it, a while ago I wrote a blog about online dating and how I didn't think it wasn't necessary and blah blah blah.  However, I see the light.  Not about the online dating but trusting God will bring you who your supposed to be with ,but you have to do the work.  Those are seeds I haven't really sewn, I haven't actively or non actively looked for a companion, but I do think its necessary to stir up the pot.  You know have some man scent on you as it were.  I joined a free site, that someone recommended and I have to say, it's working, I mean there are people messaging me and wanting to meet for coffee, mostly conversations, but it's working, I can not deny that.  

I have yet to meet with someone or go on a date, I mean I am still pretty new to the site, but it is the place to meet men my age or older, it's true, I'm not gonna meet my guy in a club. I  don't go and neither do they, most are family men, divorced or babies daddies and yes they would look crazy as hell in the club.  You know those guys, that you immediately judge cause they in the club trying to hang with the youngins.  I am starting to feel that way myself (the old lady in the club).  Not that I club like that anymore, but it's definitely  for the kids these days LOL. 

It's hard to meet people in your friend circle, because most of your friends have been your friends for years, and there really is no new people, or they are all married or you know waaaay to much of their business already.

So here I am giving it a shot, if I go on any dates I will keep you posted,  I'm curious to see what will happen next.  How fun for me ;)

CALL ME OLD FASHIONED

You know it's deep when you have to tell someone who want's to "date you", your old school and would prefer a phone call rather than a text.

There is something to be said about a phone conversation, you get to hear the intent behind the message, the sense of humor, the tone behind the joke. The truth behind the voice.  Instead of getting offended or confused because of lack of punctuation, or your not familiar with the persons sense of humor yet.   Your able to form a connection that your not able to with text.  We are such a now generation that even when we are in front of each other we are communicating via the inter-web.

The new hottness is we have been texting all day today makes me sad.

Even when meeting for coffee, the phones are on the tables, not in purses or pockets for the ready, to be distracted from what's important, that connection.  I can't believe that a request for a real conversation could be a deal breaker.  If you can spend time typing, you can spend time talking.  Not every phone call is 5 hours long, but that was the lick.  You look up and look at the time, and you have been talking all night.  That is connection.

We gotta stop, we gotta take a step back, and remember the days where a written letter was better than poor writing or ebonic text to get points across.  Just because its text Okay is spelled O.K.A.Y or O. K. not occay.  Ugh!  Sorry for the rant, but geez I just want to be able to really feel and know that you are a living breathing human being and that talking to me is a really good part of your day.  

Now let's be clear, everything doesn't have to be a phone conversation a quick, I'm on my way, or can you talk text is totally appropriate that way you know when one is available to actually speak, but come on people where is the the humanity. The love and respect.  Or how about when your talking to me you can't concentrate because you are looking at your phone and texting someone while we are talking.

Think of it this way, what were you doing before there was facebook, texting, and all this other nonsense.  If the phone rang and you weren't home they would have to call back.  I'm not saying we have to go back to the proverbial stone age, but what I am saying is what's the harm in picking up a phone and wanting, yearning to hear the voice of the person you are so enamored with.

YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS, YOU GUYS ARE NO WALK IN THE PARK!

This post is not about male bashing, or saying all men are this and that, but it remains to be seen, that people, men and women, need to realize that they are dealing with a living, breathing, emotion having human being.

I am little out of practice when it comes to dating, I admit it, my last few years I have to deal with a lot of personal things.  Mostly dealing with my health or my mothers.  Now that I'm trying to see what's out there, all I seem to find are these broken men, who seemingly have it together, until one day they just say something out of the clear blue that obviously has nothing to do with you.  There is this trigger, a word... a something, that someone used to say to them, but they probably never really had a response for it.  Now you un-knowingly say that thing and it feels like you just got hit with a cannon.  

They try and destroy you with their words, and you begin to feel like a cartoon character when the wind blows too hard and their hair and stuff flies off and all your left with is a skeleton.  Your caught so off guard by this, there is just no words.

So here in lies the issue, how do you fix that, how do you change it.  I know I can't personally help you.  You need help, professional help, someone to talk to about your problems.  I am sorry for all the things that you have been through, but I am not the cause of them.  I have in advertedly inherited someone else's stuff. Some woman he didn't seek closure from. Or some past hurt that he still clings to for dear life.

Listen, I know you don't always know or realize that one particular thing is a problem.  But when it does come up I pray your able to recognize it and apologize.  Ego a side. Just a plain I'm sorry.   I know what your used to dealing with, and you continue to deal with cause you haven't dealt.  Just, like women, men pick the same woman, hoping for a different result.  Not gonna happen.

Please hear me when I say this.   Another person can't fix something that is already broken, I can't make a half a whole, I can only love you and appreciate you where you are.  However, you don't have to be all the way together, but working towards getting your self together.  It's time we took a step back and looked at the bigger picture again.

These reality shows and nonsense where broken humans are screaming and fighting broken humans just perpetuates this.  We watch crap like this and think this is what LOVE is supposed to look like.  Drama and kicking and screaming.  Take stock, what do you really want and need, and maybe we can figure it out together.

Be well young man, cause the sheer denial of the fact that you don't think you have a problem.  Speaks volumes about the fact that you do.  

I AM NOT A LESBIAN!

I bet your thinking uhhhh what's with that title and I haven't seen a blog post from her in a while.  I kind of ran out of passion for writing this blog.  I mean how can it be Sex in the City, when there is no sex to speak of.  Then I kept thinking about it.  This blog is not necessarily about sex-capades or how many men I have or don't have.  It's about me.  The good the Bad and the ugly.  I have gone through different variations of my life.  Good and bad, but I am still no worse for ware.

I called this particular blog, I am not a lesbian, cause I haven't had anything sniffing around any part of me, that I'm starting to think people think I am hiding something.  I even had someone ask me, am I gay HA!  I simply replied "I wish, at least then there might be some hope"!  Hahahahaha.  No, I am not gay, and no there is no man to speak of in my life.  Do I want one absolutely, will I have one maybe?  Only God knows for sure.  

However, what I know for sure is that I am finally a whole person, a whole person on my own.  I still have flaws, but like Iyanla says I have done the work, I have worked on myself so that, the wonderful whole man that comes into my life, will have his mate.  He who finds a wife finds a good thing. Truth, marriage now a days, I can take it or leave it.  A wonderful mate/companion to enjoy time with and have fun on dates and travel.  A bestie with full benefits is my idea of a good thing.  If HE wanted to get married I would definitely consider it.  I mean hey why not.

Some of you may be reading this thinking, wow if only it were that simple.  The truth is...IT IS that simple.  We make our own lives complicated and convoluted. So much so, we don't know which way is up.  We have spent so much time convincing ourselves that it's everyone else's fault, or everyone else that's crazy that we have lost touch with reality.

At the end of the day happiness is what matters, being able to wake up and be proud of every choice you made, and live with no regret, because each thing has taught you a lesson and brought you to this beautiful space your in now.

So no, I don't have a man, and I for sure don't have a women (ho homo tee hee), but when he comes along he will be proud of me and I will be proud of him.  We will be a team, and I am sooooooo looking forward to that.