Maybe it's you!

Ok, have you ever heard someone complain sooo much about everything, that you start to wonder, what in their life has gone right.?

I mean dang do you just have the worst timing, the worst luck, or is it you?

Have you ever heard somone say, god I can't keep a man/woman, or their relationships/friendships always seem to bite them in the ass later on.

At what point do you ask the question, maybe it's me!

One of the tuffest things to do is look inside and see your flaws.  It's easier to blame everyone else because it lets you off the hook.  However your luck is the same, and will continue to be until you exam YOUR SELF!

Your problems stem from past problems, which begets new problems, which in turn manifest themselves in your relationships, and if you haven't taken stock and said hmmm what the hell is going on with me.  What ever you try and do will never work out.

How can you be good to anyone else, when you are no good to YOUR SELF.

Come on people stop playing the blame game, and look inside, God knows you  need to get your shit together, but most importantly So Do You!

Doin Me!

People always say love will come when you least expect it... and others say you have to put it out there that you are looking...well I am about to do both.

Here I am saying...putting it into the world...letting you and God know...that I am looking for love.. a mate... a companion... a best friend... some one to love unconditionally and whole heartedlly.  There... that's done!

Now I am going to focus on me... doin me... being the best me I can be...loving my self... and taking care of myself... so that way when love comes I will be ready...for the man I just asked for above... see I think both theories are right... you have to be open to the fact that love is needed... but to harp and focus is futile and sometimes you are so anxious for someone that you will settle for anything.

However, when you do you... and focus on living a great life and being in love with self...well you don't have time to harp so the time that passes doesn't seem like much time and when you look up there he is...holding out his hand saying... I'm ready for you to love me and ready to love you too.

So right about now I'm a just do me!

Mrs. Steal Yo Man

So admittedly... I have consciously and sub-consciously done this action... I was listening to the Trey Song's song... and he calls himself Mr. Steal your girl!

When I say I have consciously done this I mean in my teens and parts of college...but to me... a man having a girlfriend was no big deal and men make mistakes all the time... clearly you were not happy where you were cause if so you wouldn't be with me... and yadi yadi boo boo!

See the problem is when I see what I want I go after it... and it's not often that someone catches my eye on a personal level... so when they do... I have to know them... talk to them... see them... I WANT them... that's a dangerous place to be...but who's getting hurt... in high school and college I felt we are far to young for those types of serious relationships... and I know what your thinking who am I to say so...but if he didn't feel the same he wouldn't have been with me either.

But...it may be biting me in my ass my friends...I sometimes have been approached by married men known to me not known to me... and of course the one's not known to me well...they tricked me and feelings were involved and other circumstances so you make a mistake.

Then you understand you DON'T deserve to be second to any one... and you start feeling bad for the woman on the other end...and I realized even what I was doing in college and high school still caused the same painful affect... and now I may be paying for those decision's I made so long ago... I do subscribe to cause and effect... and for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction.

I would never want to cause anyone pain...nor would I want someone to cause me that same pain...I wish it could be as simple as everyone was just honest and no one cheated... I don't think this post is going to save the world...but I do know there won't be no more man stealing over here!

No Resolutions Just Goals!

Happy New Year everyone... I know I usually do my post on Monday's but I was a little busy getting the New Year started at the job!

I realize that resolutions are futile...so I made a few goals... and I will share...my goal this year...is to live the best life I can... have the most fun with the most people... and love everything about myself...including the fact I don't have breast...(okay I have implants so technically, you see my point) see the thing that used to make me afraid of intimacy has now empowered me... it has been a slow process...but now... I feel like... I'm through the worst and now I just have to be me... own it...love it... and when the person I love see's my courage and conviction...it won't be a big deal to them either.

I know what your thinking...it's all in my head... but remember there are a lot of frogs that may need to be kissed before EPIC comes along...soo... I have to be just as brave... my goal... is to love like I have never been hurt... and dance like no one is watching... and make sure everyone in my life is as happy as possible... the goal... the glass is half full...the bright side...the this weaping may endure for a night but joy come's in the morning type stuff.

Not besides that I am 6 Years cancer free on January 28th God is sooo goood...look at me thriving and stuff!  Seems like only yesterday I was celebrating 5 Years.  Hold please....just took a lil moment to dance in my chair... if you only knew where my mind was 5 years ago...to be able to talk to you all is such a blessing... but I digress!

So if your with it... I would love for you to accompany me on this journey... I feel like there are going to be some pretty interesting things going on this year... and sooo much to tell ;) so stick with me kids... we are going to have a blast... Hello 2011 Let's Do This!

What Do the Alone Do on New Years

Well I guess the answer is nothing... LOL...or maybe something...kiddies this seems to be the most low key New Years ever...and yet again... the kissing bandit...seemingly has no one to kiss when the count down happens.

But don't cry for me Argentina... I mean I am the kissing bandit... and the New Year doesn't just stop with the ball drop at Midnite...so I have time... I'm actually looking forward to 2011 and all that it may or may not entail...life has an interesting way of surprising you and I love that.

Didn't find my Mr. Right this year... but hey...If God gives me a chance to wake up everyday in 2011 that's one more chance...to see if he's out there... one more chance to have a good time...one more chance to be me!  Well that in it's self is a good thing.

There will be no resolutions, only goals... those well I will keep to my self... but I hope I have some awesomely wicked new tales to tell... now I just have to decide if I'm gonna name names or keep it simple I mean... I don' t want to be that girl... either...so no names just yummy tales...of fun, fancy and I hope freaky LOL!

See you in the New Year my Loves and I pray that you enjoy all the things in heaven in 2011!

Take care... ooooh I hope I have a juicy bit to tell on Jan 1st... well the 4th when I get back to work! ;)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Finding Closure on your own!

At a point in time...I had to find my own closure with someone that I deeply loved... I was young and so was he... but I knew my love was real... and were not talking teenage love... I mean we we're both at the age where... people fall in love and get married.!  I didn't know if that was in the cards for us... but what I did know is that I was in love... his love well....!

Needless to say the relationship ended abruptly... with no real explanation... and certain things happened during that time that were life changing...I was left to deal with that pain alone...I even had to find my own closure because I didn't know if there would ever be a moment where we would just be able to sit down and talk...!

10 years later...he pops up, and in the most random of places gotta love facebook... and we decide to meet... I don't expect anything... and believe whole hearted that I had/have moved on... and much to my surprise... I had... I mean I actually had...seeing him was nice...it made me realize that I am a strong person and that I can handle pretty much anything... and the closure I had to seek on my own had occurred...!

Also, much to my surprise...He brought up the past and apologized for all he had done... and I had apologized for my doings in it as well... as it takes two to tango...we sat and just looked at each other for a while wondering if we could even just be friends again... I was a gamut of emotion... I went from feeling sorry for him and me... to understanding that it's hard to forget the past... but if you forgive the past it's easy to talk about the past...!

Although, some things remain the same a lot has changed... he's gone through alot  and so have I...but... there was one more thing I needed to know... because of the love I had for him... sometimes that just makes even the smallest act of intimacy that much deeper... so as we kissed.... there was no bells, no whistles, no bombs bursting in the air... it was done...!

That particular door was closed... I don't know if we will actually be able to be friends... I'm not even sure if we will see each other again... but I do know that Chapter of my life was, is and has been closed!

Sometimes I Wonder

Have you ever wonderd how different your life would be, if you had taken a different route, or made different decisions.  However, the decision at the time, was probably the best at that moment.

These social networks help you reconnect with people who you haven't seen, or talked to in a long time, and we are all much older and probably a lot wiser.  I use probably loosely cause who really knows.  Of course these things bring up memories and past loved ones or hated ones, that you used to deal with in college.

As I think on things and think wow, that could have been me married with 3 kids and a dog, living in not Los Angeles, and probably not following my dreams.  I have to wonder could it have been so.   Then I think well could I have my cake and eat it too.  Would someone have been supportive of me pursuing a career in Los Angeles, as and actress and the answer is who the hell knows!

Not that the men were not fantastic, in their own way because they were, and I start to realize that I probably dodged some major bullets.  And mostly I would probably have a lot of regrets.  Most of the men who were nearest and dearest to me at the time, were just people to show me what I wanted and deserved.  However, I bet if I poled them Los Angeles would not be their ideal place to live or raise children.

Got me to thinking you know, If my steps are ordered by God, he knew exactly where I would end up.  Did I forgo marriage and kids for career.  Well not exactly.  I don't know if I would have been ready for all of that right out of college.  Do I feel I may have missed the marriage boat.  Well maybe.  The pickens of men in college were far greater then I have now, but I still don't know if I'm ready.  Would I have done some things differently well sure, but I also know everything happens for a reason.

I have never been the type to go on about my wedding.  I have never sat and planned it, I don't have a book that I have had since I was 5, and been updating since.  I know that I desire it, and if it happens great, but if not I'm fine with that too.   I think I want kids, when I hold them and love them, there is a lil thing that says aww, I want one, but then, I also enjoy the freedom I have to get up and go.  Although I know things always do change, I guess I will just keep moving, and keep living each day one day at a time.

I guess I will always wonder what if, but it is time to let that go and live in the present.  Anytime you try and go backwards it never seems to work, and you can't change the past, so I guess I have to "Just Keep Swimming".

 

I guess what I'm saying is, I wonder if college was it, was it the only chance I had to have a marriage and a family, and did I blow it.  But, ours is not to wonder why ours it but to do or die.  So here I am doing, and knowing that if it's love and marriage and kids are meant for me then it will be!

I don't have to wonder anymore.