Feeling Like My Old Self Again!

Whooo, this has been an interesting few months...well i will say the past 8 months have been crazy.  My mother was hit by a car and I have become her care giver it has been a slow recovery process for her but, now that she is getting better and about ready to come home.  I have had the chance to re-focus on my needs as well.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in what's happening around us, that we just loose sight, and forget to check in on our selves.  Honestly since this incident there hasn't been a ton of sexin in my city...nor has there been any male connection in a while.

I have realized one thing through this whole thing, and that is,  always Do You, Take Care of You, and make sure you are okay.  Yes you have people who will check on you...who will come and help you, but no one can really help you make sense of things but you.  After stepping back and letting the smoke clear...you sometimes look around and think gosh now I am just left with me.  My needs, my want's, my desires...I have crossed hurdle after hurdle...and yet again it's just me.

In times of tragedy, it is easy to shut down, to just kind of let it pass and pray you get through it and honestly after all I and my mom have been through it is a blessing that we are even still standing (if you read this blog fully you will get the picture!).

It has not been easy by any means, but with a ton of faith, some therapy, and wonderful friends I was able to stay pretty present...and in this realize that the one thing I need is me!  So, I have been doing that, taking care of me...what ever I need I do, it's important...it's really not about a mate, that will come...it's not even about dating someone...it's about connection...the only way to connect with someone truly is if neither party is trying to find completion in the other.  I am not trying to have someone help me forget where I have been...that would just be pushing those feelings a side.

I guess i'm saying all this to say,  it's not the end of the world, I have been drug through the mud and I am still standing...standing tall and taking care...and if I may add looking damn good doing it...I feel better than I have felt in a really long time because well...I choose to...I chose me, and from now on that is non-negotiable.  

The Blah Times

I'm sure, no wait i'm positive i'm not the only one who feels like this every now and again you start to notice that certain aspects of your life are so vivid in it's wrongness that it makes you feel some sort of way.  The old what am I doing with my life stage, or is this really it?  I think we all have a certain expectation of a New Year...wanting it to start out with a bang...desiring for more...and well sometimes its just a slow sputter.  Can this feeling really be blamed on anything...are we doing 100 percent of what we need to do to make the new year start off how it should?

Most people spend most days looking forward to Friday and you realize your whole life has passed you by looking forward to the weekend and when it gets here do we ever live?  Or do we just take more time to do nothing?  I for example right now am feeling that way...I just came from and incredible trip in Trinidad...carnival...and some would say that I am just feeling blah because I am feeling Tabanka, which in Trini terms means (withdrawals), but I also have a certain expectation of my self...I got some disappointing news today...and I get bad news or no news all the time as an actor...but when you feel you did your very best and someone says well that's just not what we're looking for it hurts.

I should probably just shut up right...rejection is par for the course as an actor and I should know better than anyone to just let these things go...I can only do what I can do and hope for the best.  But hey I'm still human aren't I.  I don't really have any point nor am I looking for advice on how to feel better cause for the most part I am a positive person...but today just hit me kind of hard...and I am feeling a we bit Blah....so I thought I would right it down just to see if I could take a bit of the sting away...I mean this is my live journal isn't it...I guess the most important thing now is to allow my self to feel these feelings and then move on.  Cause tomorrow is a new day! Thanks for listening!

I Wanna Know What Love Is, I Want You To Show Me!

The old saying is there is someone for everyone...and you deserve to have someone love you the way you deserve...hmmm.

I mean I think I am a good woman, and I have a lot to offer a man...I am not so fiercely independent that I can't respect a man and his duties as a man...in fact I want that...I want the man to be a man...I am not dis-respectful...I am loving, affectionate...the list can go on and on...but I have never really been in love...baring young love, or puppy love...I have not experienced that divine love where you find your best mate...your soul the person you would take a bullet for...my bestie!

A friend said once she hasn't been in a relationship in so long she wonders if she would remember how to be...I thought about that...I haven't been in a relationship with possiblities since college and although there was feelings there...was there love?...I am not looking for Mr. Perfect, cause God knows there is no such thing...I have gotten past my daddy issues through therapy (keeping it real). After which I dated, and dated to see what it is that I would look for in a mate.  But more often than not I get (from men) your exactly what I need but or they are some how intimidated by me.

Listen, I'm just a girl who wants to be loved and wants to love...I am not the girl who has been planning a wedding since I was 5 and wants to get married or be with someone cause I need them to make me whole...I am looking for a match in every way possible...so that WE can be epic...so because of this I have spent time being alone...but hey at least I am not bringing my past relationships into the equation or trying to re-invent the last guy I was with, cause that's not fair.

I think I am writing this post because today is Valentines day...and the day when red balloon's and I love you's are flung to and fro!  But each day should and is Valentines day when you have some one to love...In the same way I love my Family and my Closest friends is the same way I want to love HIM who ever he is...so in the mean time I guess I will still be waiting and this will go to Gods ears and he will send someone to love me as God does!

Where Have I Been? You wouldn't Believe me!

Hey there, sorry I have been MIA lot's has gone on toward the end of 2011, some super high, highs....and some pretty low lows...but you always know what your made of when you can come out the other end.

Just so you know...my mother was in a horrible accident at the end of August she was a pedestrian and was hit by a car that was going about 40 miles per hour...so needless to say all of my attention was on that...and why I have been absent...she spent 2 months in ICU with a broken everything leg, arm, neck you name it...and made it out the other side...that's how good God is.  I realize that I spent a lot of this blog  concentrating on the things that I/we may be doing wrong...then I realized yet again life is too short to worry about those things.

God has a plan for everyone...and I realize more and more often that my life is not my own...and that God controls all of this...now I'm not trying to get in some debate about religion, or tell you how you should believe...I'm just telling you how Good he has been to me...how he has kept me in the midst of this storm...and countless others...We (my mom and I) have battled Cancer, and now her being hit by a car and surviving cancer all in the span of 1 year...this could make any person crumble...and it has been really tuff...but you never know what your made of until you are faced with it...and my reliance on God has kept me up and functioning through these days.

I am happy to say that my mom is a Miracle, a spectacular miracle...her will to live and and her faith has brought her back to us...not fully recovered...bones are still healing but no major damage that should cause her problems...I could list her injuries, but I think you can put it together...a 63 year old women hit on her lift side by an American made car going 40 miles per hour...God is good!

I am sharing this with you because although this blog is about finding true love...it's also about the knowledge of growing and loving oneself and all things that touch, make and mold us...Since I am not in charge of any of this...whoever I am going to love is going to have to love all facets of me as well.  This is a part of who I am it has not made me bitter but it allows me to see the bigger picture!

The Best Advice is Usually Your Own

Lately, it seems I have been full of advice.   Lots of people are going through all sorts of stuff, and generally, while your giving advice someone is also giving advice to you.
 
However, the advice you give is great because you are not going through, what that person is.  It's always easier to give great advice when your free and clear of that particular trouble.

The funny part is, the adivce your giving, is probably meeting you right where you are.  Or it's great future advice for you.  I'm sure what ever your friend is going through you've either been there, or about to go there, and well listen to your self when you talk.

The term your preaching to the chior has never made more sense.  And the next time you are in the situation think back on the advice you so sternly gave, and apply to yourself, because you were right the first time.

The truth is when you give advice, the best advice for you is your own.

Where Has Foreplay Gone?

I miss foreplay, I miss it a lot...I have been hearing and feeling the steady decline for a while...and every woman says the same thing..."he thinks kissing my boobs and going down on me is foreplay"...well if you haven't helped him out in that area how will he know?

I think we women romanticize things a bit...but why shouldn't we...I mean it goes back to when things were simple and maybe when you weren't exactly having sex but had a lil finger introduction or a lovely dry hump with the boy you liked... I mean that was some good foreplay that helped build up to the fact of your first time...or even the back massage or the long lingering kisses of neck, back, ears, shoulders, butt, thighs and what ever else you can think of!

We are one big muscle and even the slightest touch from the one you like/love should send shivers down your spine...but sometimes it takes a lil more coaxing!  Now don't get me wrong... think it's safe to say that we don't necessarily need this kind of treatment at ALL times because we like to get down to the nitty gritty too, but please keep in mind that foreplay is important and it makes the act that much more YUM! :)...I mean can we get a kiss on the neck geez!

Now ladies this goes for you too...I know for me nothing turns me on more then watching a man bend to my touch...its awesome and trust me a lot of other women they may have dealt with haven't done that...and for sure haven't put them first...and sometimes there is a lack of reciprocation (he does you, you don't do him) You know it's true!...but we are all adults here, and this my friends needs to change.  So I have decided to wage a bring back foreplay campaign!  What do you think?

Think Like A Man

I do and what does it get me...soft lady boys...I mean come on...I think it's all subjective...maybe I should explain myself.

I learned a long time ago that men have a different way of thinking...it's a bit more logical than emotional...I think all women can attest to that...and it's not necessarily that the man is not a great communicator... it's just he's not saying the things you want to hear...one thing I can say about men is that they are generally honest...and by generally I mean... if you get one that does tell you the truth listen...cause he does mean what he says.

Then on the other hand you have the guy who lies about anything and everything...and who wants to put up with that mess...It could be Tuesday and he'd say it's Wednesday...cause that's just how he is... and of course my favorite guy the guy who is so hurt he decides that he is going to hurt every woman in his path just so he doesn't get hurt first blah blah blah blah...look the rules haven't changed just the players...and I think most of us have been doing this long enough recognize all the Idiosyncrasies

Now here is my issue...because I think like a guy...this scares men cause I know what they are going to do before they do it or they just don't get how I could be sooo cool...not my words but theirs...or most recently I am an anomoly!  That's generally when the tables turn...such as a booty call... if we agree that this is all this is...the guy ends up catching feelings and asking me, what are we doing and I can't do this anymore and wah wah wah!  

I say all this to say...clearly there are no strict rules, there is no REAL right or wrong and if what you were doing isn't working try something else maybe...but if you are who you are be that and eventually you will find your match...it's like some guys like aggressive women who will approach them and some don't...it is the law of the land... and in truth everyone is different...so all you can really do is think like yourself.