In With The Old, Out With The New!

This is the old me... the photo your looking at... but I realized something... there are aspects of me that are still her...!

I guess I should explain... right before I got cancer I was this size, I worked out hard... I ate right.. didn't really drink...but still I got cancer...!  Then 3 years and 5 surgeries later I ballooned to a size that I had no idea I could get to, my body changed drastically... I was devastated, depressed, and then I said Fuck it... if doing all the right things got me cancer then I'm gonna do all the bad things.

I have to say I have let my weight be a safety blanket...the thing that I once despised I allowed to be my shield from the world...I became too comfortable... its one thing to accept where you are at the moment (WHICH I TOTALLY HAVE)... but it is a far more important to accept and then continue to move on... I have to say I miss this... I miss this body, I miss the energy I had the way I felt...!  I want this back... so it is my intent to get it.

I am going to mix a little bit of the old with the new... I must say... I am forever changed by what happened to me... so the mentality of the girl you see in this photo is totally different than who I am today... but there are aspects of her that I want to remember, and re-capture!

Long enough have I sat in this place...I even went as far to say that I booked more things this size then I ever had....that may be true...but it doesn't have to do with size...it's my mentality... I am a changed person... I walk proudly into my destiny with no fear... I have survived cancer...If I can do this I can do anything.!  So here I go on a new journey of health and wealth...!

One way to inspire is not by talking, but walking so enough with the words! She and I have some stuff to do!  Oh and if your so inclined...you can find me @ La Fitness Hollywood mostly...come join me for a great work out!  Before and after pictures to come later ;)

If I'm Being Completely Honest

This weekend a dear friend asked me a very important question...and as I answered I thought here is a truthful answer...as she listened and then commented...she said I am going to be extremely honest with you...I think you are making excuses!  As I thought about what she said...I didn't have hurt feelings or jump to a defense...I just paused for a second and said...to be completely honest I'm scared to death.

Listen, I had cancer...I had both breast removed...and it's not an easy thing to get over...the question was...do I want a boo basically...and I came up with ...well I'm soo laser focused on my career and blah blah blah...but the truth... I do want all those things but I am afraid I can't have them...no one told me I couldn't I just am scared to see if it could...now the reason I am scared is because I am scarred...interesting how these two words look so much alike.

Seeing my scars is a hard thing for me to deal with...and I am gradually getting used to them...but to add someone else into the equation is a scary thought...I guess its the intimacy I am afraid of...showing that part of my self in which I have no control...allowing my self to be completely venerable and to TRULY believe that this person really loves me and everything about  me...or will he just see my scars...  I am trying to get to the point where I can just say okay...and go for it...and be vulnerable and allow someone completely in...but I guess as with all things it takes time. I just think I needed to admit it.

I hope this confession doesn't make me seem like a hypocrit due to the fact that my blog is called Sex in the City with No titties and my journey to find love...but it is true that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else...and my love for self is growing leaps and bounds everyday...even with my scars and I am looking forward to the day where I can just say...screw it, it is what it is...and I do know, trust and believe that you are with me for me...and here is all of me and the scars will just fade into the background!

Can You Be My Super Man

Hey kids, a lil something different today...this song...has been with me...talking to me...basically speaks my feelings on what kind of guy I want...the lyrics are simple and yet...so here is me...speaking through someone else LOL!

Hello
I’ve been hurt so many times
It got to a point
When I decided
I can’t do this any more
I need someone to hold me
I need someone that needs me
I need someone that loves me

Chorus
Can you be my superman?
Can you be my superman?
Will you be my superman?
Will you be my superman?

Superman (4x)

You know, we don’t have to be dramatic
Just romantic
Do all the little things
That excites me
As your woman
Give me a kiss goodnight
Over the phone
When you working late
When you’re out of town
Tell me how much you need it
Cos we deserve it
We can be together

And just for a lil extra entertainment check the video!

Crushing the Crush!

Is it silly to say you have a crush on someone?  Especially someone famous?  I don't know.  I thought maybe it would be a good idea being that I am in the same business, but pish posh I guess I was wrong. 

There is a certain someone who shall remain nameless, ok let's be real there are certain someones that shall remain nameless that I have had a huge crush on.  I have also had the opportunity to meet and once in a while make out with said crush.  However, what do I have left.  Once the crush is revealed what's left.

Man woman crush:  Men seem to think that when you tell them your feeling them you want to sleep with them.  Some would say the challenge has been taken away.  How do you tell someone who gets ass thrown at them on a daily basis that well... you just want to get to know them.  Could it be crusher is only blinded by the limelight of the crushee and the crushee can't trust the crusher as far as they can be thrown?

What's worse is when you tell the guy and he's like "Thanks" ugghhhhh..... that's almost as bad as I'm flattered, hell I think it's worse... just take my heart and eat it right in front of me would you.  

Although a drunken mess when I said it, my heart still hurt and that was a wound that lasted well into sobriety.  I even had one crush tell me, "wow that's kind of grade school isn't it"?  Ouch, hurt my feelings much.

You know what, maybe the problem is me.  Maybe I have too many crushes, but what good is a girl with out a crush.  Not much I think but that's just me.

What to do? What to do?

 Has anyone ever "won" their crush?  Are they still with them now?  Are crushes just for school girls?  Maybe so, but my heart doesn't agree.

You Know What Gets Me!

Why is it, that when you tell, a girl about her man, or the man she likes, or the man she really wants to be with.  She gets mad at you.

But the kicker is, when they are not in the situation, they stomp up and down the street how they want you to tell them, and how you wouldn't be a friend if you didn't and Blah Blah Blah.

Truth is they don't wanna know, I have been burnt too many times to name, and it aint happnin again.  Listen it's not my fault, that this man is out here playin you like a violin, and when you ask if it's true, do you really think he's gonna tell you the truth.

 

That's like trying to get a man to admit he cheated on you.  You know in your heart its true but you just need to hear it from him.  Why, not like your gonna go anywhere, your gonna stay your ass right there lovin that man and ailienating your friend who told you he was a snake in the first place. 

Now don't get me wrong not all men are snakes and maybe he's just not that into you, and maybe you thought something was there that wasn't, cause you know us.  We can make up some shit!  He said I'd make a great mother.  He didn't say you would be a great mother to his kids.  He just said you would be a good mom, one day to some body.

I know one thing.  If I know you, please don't take it personal, but I will never in my entire life, speak on your man, I don't care if I see him fucking in the streets I will not say a word.  What I will do is let him know I see him, and if he decides to bring me up.  Then you know something is wrong.  Other than that.  I will not throw my self under that bus any more.

On a side note.  At what point did we get so desperate to have a man that we fight each other for him.  If a man is cheating on you it's his fault not hers.  Why are you yelling at her and getting pissed, and the fact that you two are fighting each other over him.  Makes you both desperate, I mean is his dick that good.  Does the sun rise and set in it.  Come on ladies we can do better than that.  Maybe it's time you start thinking out side of the box, start thinking of other racial possiblities because this ish has been going on for too damn long.

Well, all I know is no one has to worry about me so called ruining there good thing. I am done, finished, finito,.  And all too many times I have seen her choose him and leave the friend who told in the dust, for trying to be a good friend....  I am a firm believer that people have to learn lessons for themselves even if the lesson is tuff, and it usually is. 

Stagnation

The feeling of being stagnant is interesting.  The websters dictionary defines stagnant as: adj Not moving or flowing : Motionless 2. Foul from standing still:stale 3. Sulggish!

My life feels a lil like all of those things right now.  But how can I help it.  What can I do?  What can I change?  Anything?  How did i get like this in the first place?

Some could say it's the economy, others could say well maybe your not trying hard enough.  How do you know you are trying everything you possibly can.  Is it measured by exhaustion at the end of the day?  Do you feel some type of full fillment?  How else do you shake things up a bit?

I, who am never at a loss, has found my self in an interesting position. Normally to feel a bit different I'd give my self a makeover or do something I've never done before, but I am almost out of those(doing something I've never done). 

Besides it's not really about getting a new job I've done that, and it's not about not feeling fulfilled as a person.  Mostly it's just about feeling like I have lived my best life!!

I think at some point we all feel this way, when things are not going exactly how we hope but...

Does anyone have any suggestions?  How do you make yourself feel like your life is actually worth while!

Any one Bueller!

I Just Remembered

Hey there, I know I have been missing for a while...but I'm back...life has been life right...now...trying to be a good friend resting and working...but now it's time to get back to the nitty gritty...of this blog, which may need to be re-thought.

The name of the blog is Sex in the City With No Titties, but is that all it should focus on...sometimes we loose sight of other things and because of that...the things we would like fall to the way side... I can't say that I am obsessed with finding love...but it was starting to take over.

Until I actually thought about it...what is it that I crave at this moment...what do I need to make me incredibly happy and is it possible to have it all and the answer is yes.  See God always keeps his promises and it's important to trust him in all we do...see there is two sides of me... the lover and the actress and right now I believe my focus should be on the later...God knows the desires of my heart because he gave them to me...he also has a way of taking from you what you don't need for your own good.

So I am re-committed to me...focused, recharged as it were...look I know love is possible...but and I know that when I am ready it will find me...and I will choose wisely... I have made some pretty good decisions...regarding that... and there will be a place for it...but right now...I am  Nikea the actress...so this blog is not only going to be about love, but love of life, liberty and the pursuit of true happiness... But we'll keep the title cause one It's catchy and two...well I may not be having much sex but I still have no Titties ;) have a good one kiddies we'll talk soon!