This weekend a dear friend asked me a very important question...and as I answered I thought here is a truthful answer...as she listened and then commented...she said I am going to be extremely honest with you...I think you are making excuses! As I thought about what she said...I didn't have hurt feelings or jump to a defense...I just paused for a second and said...to be completely honest I'm scared to death.
Listen, I had cancer...I had both breast removed...and it's not an easy thing to get over...the question was...do I want a boo basically...and I came up with ...well I'm soo laser focused on my career and blah blah blah...but the truth... I do want all those things but I am afraid I can't have them...no one told me I couldn't I just am scared to see if it could...now the reason I am scared is because I am scarred...interesting how these two words look so much alike.
Seeing my scars is a hard thing for me to deal with...and I am gradually getting used to them...but to add someone else into the equation is a scary thought...I guess its the intimacy I am afraid of...showing that part of my self in which I have no control...allowing my self to be completely venerable and to TRULY believe that this person really loves me and everything about me...or will he just see my scars... I am trying to get to the point where I can just say okay...and go for it...and be vulnerable and allow someone completely in...but I guess as with all things it takes time. I just think I needed to admit it.
I hope this confession doesn't make me seem like a hypocrit due to the fact that my blog is called Sex in the City with No titties and my journey to find love...but it is true that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else...and my love for self is growing leaps and bounds everyday...even with my scars and I am looking forward to the day where I can just say...screw it, it is what it is...and I do know, trust and believe that you are with me for me...and here is all of me and the scars will just fade into the background!
You are a smart and brave woman. You have an awesome prospective of what you and the person you choose to share and love with should and will have regarding your very personal self view. I am proud of you and that you are brave enough to share with the world your trials and tribulations and up and downs, highs and lows. Keep on posting because what you share can help others. Remember not every bodies scars are on the outside. :) -Terri PB
ReplyDeleteJust remember on your journey,that this man that comes into your life will also have scars.The scars inside can be the ones most difficult to heal.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is so necessary, purpossful and appreciated.
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