In With The Old, Out With The New!

This is the old me... the photo your looking at... but I realized something... there are aspects of me that are still her...!

I guess I should explain... right before I got cancer I was this size, I worked out hard... I ate right.. didn't really drink...but still I got cancer...!  Then 3 years and 5 surgeries later I ballooned to a size that I had no idea I could get to, my body changed drastically... I was devastated, depressed, and then I said Fuck it... if doing all the right things got me cancer then I'm gonna do all the bad things.

I have to say I have let my weight be a safety blanket...the thing that I once despised I allowed to be my shield from the world...I became too comfortable... its one thing to accept where you are at the moment (WHICH I TOTALLY HAVE)... but it is a far more important to accept and then continue to move on... I have to say I miss this... I miss this body, I miss the energy I had the way I felt...!  I want this back... so it is my intent to get it.

I am going to mix a little bit of the old with the new... I must say... I am forever changed by what happened to me... so the mentality of the girl you see in this photo is totally different than who I am today... but there are aspects of her that I want to remember, and re-capture!

Long enough have I sat in this place...I even went as far to say that I booked more things this size then I ever had....that may be true...but it doesn't have to do with size...it's my mentality... I am a changed person... I walk proudly into my destiny with no fear... I have survived cancer...If I can do this I can do anything.!  So here I go on a new journey of health and wealth...!

One way to inspire is not by talking, but walking so enough with the words! She and I have some stuff to do!  Oh and if your so inclined...you can find me @ La Fitness Hollywood mostly...come join me for a great work out!  Before and after pictures to come later ;)

If I'm Being Completely Honest

This weekend a dear friend asked me a very important question...and as I answered I thought here is a truthful answer...as she listened and then commented...she said I am going to be extremely honest with you...I think you are making excuses!  As I thought about what she said...I didn't have hurt feelings or jump to a defense...I just paused for a second and said...to be completely honest I'm scared to death.

Listen, I had cancer...I had both breast removed...and it's not an easy thing to get over...the question was...do I want a boo basically...and I came up with ...well I'm soo laser focused on my career and blah blah blah...but the truth... I do want all those things but I am afraid I can't have them...no one told me I couldn't I just am scared to see if it could...now the reason I am scared is because I am scarred...interesting how these two words look so much alike.

Seeing my scars is a hard thing for me to deal with...and I am gradually getting used to them...but to add someone else into the equation is a scary thought...I guess its the intimacy I am afraid of...showing that part of my self in which I have no control...allowing my self to be completely venerable and to TRULY believe that this person really loves me and everything about  me...or will he just see my scars...  I am trying to get to the point where I can just say okay...and go for it...and be vulnerable and allow someone completely in...but I guess as with all things it takes time. I just think I needed to admit it.

I hope this confession doesn't make me seem like a hypocrit due to the fact that my blog is called Sex in the City with No titties and my journey to find love...but it is true that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else...and my love for self is growing leaps and bounds everyday...even with my scars and I am looking forward to the day where I can just say...screw it, it is what it is...and I do know, trust and believe that you are with me for me...and here is all of me and the scars will just fade into the background!

Can You Be My Super Man

Hey kids, a lil something different today...this song...has been with me...talking to me...basically speaks my feelings on what kind of guy I want...the lyrics are simple and yet...so here is me...speaking through someone else LOL!

Hello
I’ve been hurt so many times
It got to a point
When I decided
I can’t do this any more
I need someone to hold me
I need someone that needs me
I need someone that loves me

Chorus
Can you be my superman?
Can you be my superman?
Will you be my superman?
Will you be my superman?

Superman (4x)

You know, we don’t have to be dramatic
Just romantic
Do all the little things
That excites me
As your woman
Give me a kiss goodnight
Over the phone
When you working late
When you’re out of town
Tell me how much you need it
Cos we deserve it
We can be together

And just for a lil extra entertainment check the video!

Crushing the Crush!

Is it silly to say you have a crush on someone?  Especially someone famous?  I don't know.  I thought maybe it would be a good idea being that I am in the same business, but pish posh I guess I was wrong. 

There is a certain someone who shall remain nameless, ok let's be real there are certain someones that shall remain nameless that I have had a huge crush on.  I have also had the opportunity to meet and once in a while make out with said crush.  However, what do I have left.  Once the crush is revealed what's left.

Man woman crush:  Men seem to think that when you tell them your feeling them you want to sleep with them.  Some would say the challenge has been taken away.  How do you tell someone who gets ass thrown at them on a daily basis that well... you just want to get to know them.  Could it be crusher is only blinded by the limelight of the crushee and the crushee can't trust the crusher as far as they can be thrown?

What's worse is when you tell the guy and he's like "Thanks" ugghhhhh..... that's almost as bad as I'm flattered, hell I think it's worse... just take my heart and eat it right in front of me would you.  

Although a drunken mess when I said it, my heart still hurt and that was a wound that lasted well into sobriety.  I even had one crush tell me, "wow that's kind of grade school isn't it"?  Ouch, hurt my feelings much.

You know what, maybe the problem is me.  Maybe I have too many crushes, but what good is a girl with out a crush.  Not much I think but that's just me.

What to do? What to do?

 Has anyone ever "won" their crush?  Are they still with them now?  Are crushes just for school girls?  Maybe so, but my heart doesn't agree.