What Do the Alone Do on New Years

Well I guess the answer is nothing... LOL...or maybe something...kiddies this seems to be the most low key New Years ever...and yet again... the kissing bandit...seemingly has no one to kiss when the count down happens.

But don't cry for me Argentina... I mean I am the kissing bandit... and the New Year doesn't just stop with the ball drop at Midnite...so I have time... I'm actually looking forward to 2011 and all that it may or may not entail...life has an interesting way of surprising you and I love that.

Didn't find my Mr. Right this year... but hey...If God gives me a chance to wake up everyday in 2011 that's one more chance...to see if he's out there... one more chance to have a good time...one more chance to be me!  Well that in it's self is a good thing.

There will be no resolutions, only goals... those well I will keep to my self... but I hope I have some awesomely wicked new tales to tell... now I just have to decide if I'm gonna name names or keep it simple I mean... I don' t want to be that girl... either...so no names just yummy tales...of fun, fancy and I hope freaky LOL!

See you in the New Year my Loves and I pray that you enjoy all the things in heaven in 2011!

Take care... ooooh I hope I have a juicy bit to tell on Jan 1st... well the 4th when I get back to work! ;)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Finding Closure on your own!

At a point in time...I had to find my own closure with someone that I deeply loved... I was young and so was he... but I knew my love was real... and were not talking teenage love... I mean we we're both at the age where... people fall in love and get married.!  I didn't know if that was in the cards for us... but what I did know is that I was in love... his love well....!

Needless to say the relationship ended abruptly... with no real explanation... and certain things happened during that time that were life changing...I was left to deal with that pain alone...I even had to find my own closure because I didn't know if there would ever be a moment where we would just be able to sit down and talk...!

10 years later...he pops up, and in the most random of places gotta love facebook... and we decide to meet... I don't expect anything... and believe whole hearted that I had/have moved on... and much to my surprise... I had... I mean I actually had...seeing him was nice...it made me realize that I am a strong person and that I can handle pretty much anything... and the closure I had to seek on my own had occurred...!

Also, much to my surprise...He brought up the past and apologized for all he had done... and I had apologized for my doings in it as well... as it takes two to tango...we sat and just looked at each other for a while wondering if we could even just be friends again... I was a gamut of emotion... I went from feeling sorry for him and me... to understanding that it's hard to forget the past... but if you forgive the past it's easy to talk about the past...!

Although, some things remain the same a lot has changed... he's gone through alot  and so have I...but... there was one more thing I needed to know... because of the love I had for him... sometimes that just makes even the smallest act of intimacy that much deeper... so as we kissed.... there was no bells, no whistles, no bombs bursting in the air... it was done...!

That particular door was closed... I don't know if we will actually be able to be friends... I'm not even sure if we will see each other again... but I do know that Chapter of my life was, is and has been closed!

Sometimes I Wonder

Have you ever wonderd how different your life would be, if you had taken a different route, or made different decisions.  However, the decision at the time, was probably the best at that moment.

These social networks help you reconnect with people who you haven't seen, or talked to in a long time, and we are all much older and probably a lot wiser.  I use probably loosely cause who really knows.  Of course these things bring up memories and past loved ones or hated ones, that you used to deal with in college.

As I think on things and think wow, that could have been me married with 3 kids and a dog, living in not Los Angeles, and probably not following my dreams.  I have to wonder could it have been so.   Then I think well could I have my cake and eat it too.  Would someone have been supportive of me pursuing a career in Los Angeles, as and actress and the answer is who the hell knows!

Not that the men were not fantastic, in their own way because they were, and I start to realize that I probably dodged some major bullets.  And mostly I would probably have a lot of regrets.  Most of the men who were nearest and dearest to me at the time, were just people to show me what I wanted and deserved.  However, I bet if I poled them Los Angeles would not be their ideal place to live or raise children.

Got me to thinking you know, If my steps are ordered by God, he knew exactly where I would end up.  Did I forgo marriage and kids for career.  Well not exactly.  I don't know if I would have been ready for all of that right out of college.  Do I feel I may have missed the marriage boat.  Well maybe.  The pickens of men in college were far greater then I have now, but I still don't know if I'm ready.  Would I have done some things differently well sure, but I also know everything happens for a reason.

I have never been the type to go on about my wedding.  I have never sat and planned it, I don't have a book that I have had since I was 5, and been updating since.  I know that I desire it, and if it happens great, but if not I'm fine with that too.   I think I want kids, when I hold them and love them, there is a lil thing that says aww, I want one, but then, I also enjoy the freedom I have to get up and go.  Although I know things always do change, I guess I will just keep moving, and keep living each day one day at a time.

I guess I will always wonder what if, but it is time to let that go and live in the present.  Anytime you try and go backwards it never seems to work, and you can't change the past, so I guess I have to "Just Keep Swimming".

 

I guess what I'm saying is, I wonder if college was it, was it the only chance I had to have a marriage and a family, and did I blow it.  But, ours is not to wonder why ours it but to do or die.  So here I am doing, and knowing that if it's love and marriage and kids are meant for me then it will be!

I don't have to wonder anymore.

I Guess I'll See You Next Lifetime

I thought about you today...in fact I think about you a lot... a lil less than I used to... but more when I see you. I wish I had met you before... before life happend...before you made certain decision.s..I wish I was in the same State you are... or would have known you then.

Why are we sooo good together...you make me feel like I have never felt before...you give me butterflies in my stomach...and make me feel all giggly like a school girl...while making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world...we barely say words to each other...and just by one look I know what you are thinking...and you the same.  You are a gentle giant and a beast when you work!  You love what you do...and I enjoy watching you do it...not only am I a friend I am also a fan!

We have shared some amazing times... when you look at me I feel like your looking right through me...you never turn me away or have a bad thing to say...I feel like the woman I am supposed to be when I am with you...our time is always cut short...but I always feel full until I see you the next time.  Damn you are so fine... I guess all of these words are going to rhyme!

The spark we have...the chemistry is undeniable...you can feel the heat pouring off of us...so I have been told...I have known you for a long time...you are a great talent and command so much attention...and yet...so gentle and loving to me.  I know that no one else really knows this side of you but me. 

Sometimes I wonder if this was Gods plan to dangle us in front of each other like a carrot...or if I did know you before would it be the same type of thing...would these feelings be as passionate or as real...if we did go out before...I can't wonder I suppose...cause the truth is only God knows!

When your not here... I miss you... I like you...I love you...I hate you for not being able to be mine...but hey who knows we might actually be together in our next lifetime!

This Thing Called Dating

Is a Mother Fucker!  That's the honest to goodness way to put it... now I see why people don't want to date and just be married and happy to be out of the single life... cause you finally get past most of the BS and find your mate.

I think I forgot that you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you can find your Prince... but there are so many... crazy selfish people out there...and by people I mean men...well the ones I have met so far anyway... not besides the ones that talk way to much... and lie about stupid stuff... what is that... stop saying what I want to hear and be honest with me.  Also, stop saying I really want to but I can't... cause if you really wanted you would...period... if not just say "No I can't"!

I don't know if these guys know of the simpler the better and not every woman is the same... there are some things you have to adapt to...but don't change who you are just to fit what you THINK I want... if you would just listen you would know what I need from you and I you.

Forgive me friends this is just a venting session... as I am happy to have my mojo back... and be back in the ring... The ring is stressful sometimes...and sometimes I wanna say F it I don't want to fight today.  Why can't things just be simple... I guess that would be too much to ask!

Epic if your out there... oh please be out there... I'm looking for you!